You can't know what you don't know.
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I learned this truth through a crisis in my marriage. After ten years together and two children, I discovered my partner was unfaithful. This betrayal opened my eyes to something bigger: there were power dynamics in our relationship I didn’t see for what they were.
My life as I knew it had to change. I arranged an internship to update my psychology degree and get a job. The practicum supervisor sent me to the Northwoods Coalition for Battered Women in Bemidji, Minnesota.
I thought I didn’t know anything about domestic abuse when I started.
I didn't know what I didn't know.
Listening to the survivors I met, I recognized their experience wasn’t that different from my own. From what I grew up with, a father who had many good points, but controlled and belittled my mother. I thought my partner and I were creating something different, but it turned out we fell into similar roles and beliefs.
Some harmful relationships are harder to recognize because they are mostly emotional control, more subtle than being hit. I identified with this form but learned that whether physical, verbal, mental or sexual, all types damage self-esteem and confidence.
My marriage crisis began my journey of finding my voice and using it to serve others. Increased confidence, something I lacked at the start of my marriage, was one gift that resulted from ending it. While lack of confidence isn’t always the case, when it is, partners who abuse their power take advantage of it.
My confidence grew as I understood that how my partner behaved wasn’t about me and began working on what I wanted to change in myself. I felt empowered by therapy, feminism, and spiritual teachings to pursue my dreams. I wish my growth hadn’t come with pain, but that’s often how it occurs.
One of those dreams was to attend graduate school to become a therapist. I chose The University of Wisconsin Madison, which offered an intimate partner abuse practicum. After graduation, I spent 35 years providing mental health therapy, with a specialty in the healing and empowerment of those who experienced abuse of power in their relationships.
The insights that came from years of working alongside survivors led to developing the resources on this website. Initially, I developed curriculum materials that I used to help clients with common issues, such as coming to terms with power and control, self-esteem, and boundaries. Since I enjoyed writing, I began a blog to touch more people.
The transformation I witnessed and the lessons I learned while serving clients inspired me to write a book that would reach a wider audience. Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek published in 2021. Becoming an author led to a new chapter, one of training other therapists in what benefits and empowers survivors.
I hope my story guides survivors and therapists who serve them in learning what they didn’t know, and most of all, inspires your own healing journeys. Explore the resources found here to find what is helpful to you.