Toxic Femininity and Masculinity

"The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl." June 1918

Surprising, isn't it? This quote illustrates how gender stereotypes influence us. Besides demonstrating that color preference for genders is culturally dictated, this quote highlights how traditional socialization tells women and men who they are or should be, e.g. “delicate and dainty” or “strong.”

Toxic Socialization

The term “toxic masculinity” has been used in recent years to identify cultural stereotypes that promote aggressive male behavior. These include repression of emotions deemed “not masculine,” elevation of “male” traits and careers over “female”, and men’s entitlement over women’s bodies. The effects of these toxic beliefs result in many of society’s ills, including violence, gender pay inequality, insecurities for those who feel they fall short of the idealized stereotypes, and failed relationships.

Furthermore, toxic femininity has begun to be highlighted. Articles point out that females as well as males take in harmful gender stereotypes. Marie Shear said, "Feminism is the radical notion that women are people. " As Daum points out, we shouldn’t see women as somehow separate from human foibles. They have adopted sexist behaviors as well. We can acknowledge the power differential between men and women that culture encourages without stripping women of responsibility.

We've all been taught to value females less than males. We’ve absorbed that insidiously from the day we were born. We are harder on women leaders, viewing them with a harsher lens, especially when they don’t conform to feminine stereotypes. However, when women do adhere to traditional femininity, they are seen as unfit to lead. This harsh reality affects women’s confidence in their strengths and accomplishments, leading them to hold themselves back if they aren’t “perfect.” In contrast, men don’t hold themselves to such high standards; they jump right in.

It’s normal to take subtle and overt socialization in just as we do the air we breathe. The important thing about these conversations regarding toxic femininity and masculinity is that we acknowledge it, rather than seeing the stereotypes as normal. We can choose to change when we make conscious the things we’ve learned about being women and men that are harmful. Recognizing biases we’ve assimilated unconsciously frees us of unwanted limitations.

Internalized Sexism

When women adopt society’s negative views about being female, we call this “internalized sexism.” Eberhardt identifies sexist behaviors women exhibit that are counter-productive.:

• Mistrusting other women,

• Believing that women are not as good as men in leadership roles,

• Valuing men's opinions more than women’s,

• Putting men’s needs or wants above their own,

• Avoiding leadership and authority positions,

• Insulting men’s parenting capabilities,

• Holding women more accountable than men for the same behavior.

• Calling women “girls.”

• Labeling boys “crybabies” when they are emotional.
  

Of course, men have their own internalized sexism:

• Telling their sons not to cry, to “be a man"

• Refraining from seeking help because it’s “unmanly”

• Making fun of men who show vulnerable emotions

• Expecting boys and men to fight each other

• Feeling bad about themselves if they’re afraid

• Idealizing men who go to war and degrading those who don’t

• Demeaning men who choose aesthetic careers such as music, dance

We cannot change oppression between the genders until we recognize how we may be complicit with it because of what we have learned about being male and female.

How Socialization Is Used by Coercive Controllers

Previous blogs I’ve written focused on the seductive roads that women take that lead them to be more vulnerable to abuse. (Dec. 2012 – March 2013 posts) Men can take these paths also, but socialization makes it more likely for women. I call them “seductive paths” because they stem from how women are taught they should be:

• Humble, self-effacing

• Put others before self

• Responsible for emotional maintenance of relationships

• Not whole/safe/of value unless we’re with a man

• Ladylike (“nice”: smiling and never angry)

  
  

In addition, socialization often leads to devaluing strengths such as intuition and emotional expressiveness. This causes us to distrust our instincts, and anytime we do that, we’re bound for trouble.

All these types of toxic socialization become powerful internal predators, since coercive controllers can use them to manipulate and control.

Reflections

Women and men empower themselves when they are aware of what they’ve learned that obstructs equal rights and opportunities. Here are some reflections to help you in untying the ropes of sexism.

• Notice the roles women and men play in TV and movies. Observe whether there are positive or negative gender biases. Are women and men treated differently? 

• Observe how you view male and female leaders. Do you hold them to different standards of behavior?

• Have you experienced yourself or others placing more responsibility on mothers than fathers?

• If you see yourself as male or female, notice how the culture responds to those who do not identify as one of these binary genders.  

Paoletti, Jo B. Pink and Blue: Telling the Boys from the Girls in America. Bloomington, Indiana: Indiana University Press, 2012.

“Toxic Femininity Holds All of Us Back,” Devon Price in Medium, Dec. 31, 2018https://medium.com/s/story/toxic-femininity-is-a-thing-too-513088c6fcb3 ;

#MeToo Will Not Survive Unless We Recognize Toxic Femininity”, Meghan Daum in Medium, October 25, 2018. https://medium.com/s/powertrip/metoo-will-not-survive-unless-we-recognize-toxic-femininity-6e82704ee616

Ibid.

Eberhardt, Louise Yolton. Bridging the Gender Gap. Duluth, MN: Whole Person Press, 1995.